Beware of Angel(s)

I fell for an Angel once.  It turned out to be one of my biggest mistakes I made in my life (thus far).  I met him in Dallas while visiting a friend of a friend's.  I had just ended a two year "relationship" earlier that summer (of '96), and I sure wasn't looking for or wanting a boyfriend.  BUT I guess Fate had a different plan for me.

We seemed to have this kind of connection you only read in romance novels.  We talked all night like we knew each other all our lives.  And before I knew it, BAM--we were in a relationship by the fall of '96.  We ended up moving in together.  What I thought was my fairytale, soon turned into a nightmare.

To make a long story short, for eight months I was terrorized.  It started with mental and emotional abuse.  But it soon turned physical.  I would go to my classes just drained of everything I had in me.  I was trying to hide bruises on my arms where he dug his fingers into my skin.  I became withdrawn from my friends.  Sleep became my sanctuary, because for some strange reason, he did not mess with me when I was sleep.  If I did venture out of the house, he followed me.  So that stopped.  I felt trapped.  I was his prisoner.  I was walking on eggshells in my own house.  The one time I tried to leave, he pushed me so hard into the closet door that it broke.  The message was clear--there was no escape.  How could this person with a heavenly name turn into a devil in disguise????

There were times when I thought I was going to die by his hands.  And there were times that I wished for Death to come for me--to take me away from his hell.  I was desperate to the point where I took some pills just to try to make the pain go away.  Once he saw what I had done, he made me throw them up.  And after I did, he nursed me back to health.  How ironic is that???  I can sit here and tell you everything he did to me, but that's not why I chose to tell this story.  My point in all of this is to reach anyone out there in an abusive relationship.  Trust me, IT DOESN'T GET BETTER.  It only GETS WORSE.  You say he "loves" you, but do you want him to love you to death???

And to all the people saying "just leave," it really isn't that simple.  You see, I was one of the skeptics.  One of the people who said "it would never happen to me," but I got a reality check quick, fast, and in a hurry....The abuse became my shame--my cross to bear.  I didn't come right out and tell my friends because of the shame.  I mean, to my friends, I was a strong woman who knew better.  And to admit I lost control of myself--of what was happening in my house---well, I just couldn't bring myself to say anything.  I felt like I got myself into that mess, and I was the only one who could get myself out of it.  So I tried to put up this facade, but everyone knew what was happening.  They weren't blind, nor where they stupid.

What happened to make me leave?  One night, we got into a real bad fight.  I can't even remember over what.  It got real ugly, and I said to myself "I can't do this anymore."  I don't know what made him stop.  I'm just glad he did.  It was summer break, and I didn't go back home right away.  I had to heal.  I didn't want my family to see my bruises.  And when I did go home, I felt a peace come over me.  I drew from the strength of my family, and when it was time for me to go back, I WAS RENEWED.  I came back in survivor mode.  It was going to be him or me, and I be damned if it was going to be me.  I think he saw this renewed strength I had because he just left on his own.  I RECLAIMED ME and MY HOUSE...I guess he couldn't deal with that (who knows).

Even though this happened almost sixteen years ago, sometimes it feels like it just happened yesterday.  I had nightmares for a long time after that.  And for the longest, I blamed myself.  But I came to finally realize that IT WAS NOT MY FAULT.  Whatever issues he had, were NOT MY FAULT.  I didn't deserve what he did to me, and I wouldn't wish that part of my life on anyone (not even my enemy).  NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED!!!!

I hope this blog reaches out to someone.  I hope that person can draw strength from it.  I hope that person reaches out to friends or family, and get out before it's too late.  It is not your burden to carry alone...So please, if you know someone or if it's happening to you---REACH OUT!!! 

THIS KIND OF "LOVE" CAN DO SO MUCH DAMAGE TO A PERSON'S MIND.  The body heals, but the emotional and mental scars take a little bit more time to go away....

ABUSE CAN KILL...Please---don't end up being a statistic.

Just Saying,
Niesey