While talking amongst my sister-girlfriends, at work, the
other day….wait, let me rephrase that….While having a very insightful
discussion with my fellow colleagues, the other day, the subject “Pregnancy”
was brought up (trust me on this one, it was very work related but that’s a
whole ‘nother story to be told at a later date).
As you may know, I am 39 years young. I will be 40 in
April. She (meaning me) DOES NOT have
any children unless you count the furry four-legged kind. And in that case, I have three beautiful
girls. When asked when I’m going to have
kids, my answer is always “between not today and never-thirty.” I mean, who wants to be 50 and living the
golden years (when the kiddos should be out of the house and not living in the
basement) birthing babies? Those are the
years you are supposed to enjoy, in an EMPTY house, with your significant other
instead of chasing behind some crumb snatchers.
Picture me, 50, chasing behind kids.
NOT GONNA HAPPEN CAPTAIN.
Don’t get me wrong. I
hate it when people make the assumption that I have some type of deep dislike
for kids. That is not the case at all. I
love kids. I just love them a little bit
more when I can get them sugar wasted, and then send them home. Honestly, I thought I would have at least one
child by now. Apparently, that wasn’t in
the plans. I kept pushing my age limit
from 30 to 35 to 38, and now that I’m almost 40, getting pregnant and having
kids are the furthest things on my mind right now. I’ve gotten to the point where I like my
space, my time. Why would I want to give
that up? Ain’t nobody got time for that…..or
do I?
I know children are God’s greatest gift He can give to a
woman. They truly are blessings to behold. And it’s an honor to be a mother—to hold that
title (notice I said MOTHER and not EGG DONOR—there is a difference). I take my hat off and hold my BIG glass of
wine up to all the mothers out there being mothers. Lord knows not every woman is qualified for
the job. Just because a woman/girl can
get knocked up, does not automatically qualify her as a mother. Yes, I said it. And yes, you can quote me on that one.
Do you want to know the whole truth of the matter? I AM TERRIFIED OF BECOMING A MOTHER. You read it right. The very thought of it scares me to the
bones. To be responsible for this little
life and raise him/her to be a productive member of society (and pray that you
are not raising the next Dexter), just blows my mind. What if I screw up? What if I am the worst
parent ever? And most of all-- what if I pass some sort of mental defect to my
child? You see, Depression is a part of me, and it is friends with some members
of my family. I don’t want to pass that
burden down to my children. I don’t want
to be the cause of my child’s mental anguish.
AND THAT’S WHAT TERRIFIES ME THE MOST. So, I ask myself “Niesey, do you
really want to take that chance?”
Ninety-five percent of me says “no”.
BUT it’s the five percent that is speaking the loudest.
So, what’s a girl to do? If it is God’s will to bless me
with a child, then so be it. I know I won’t go through it by myself. I have my sister-girlfriends and my family
that will support me 100%. And most of
all, I have my husband. And since we are
working on rebuilding our marriage (in more ways than one), I know he will be
there for me cheering me on…..So, who knows what tomorrow holds and maybe—just maybe—I
will be holding a beautiful, healthy bundle of joy (this time, one of the
two-legged kind)….
Just Saying,
Niesey
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