You Are My Obsession: A Red Light Warning

I really wanted to start this month off with a “feel good” story, BUT my Mind led me in another direction.  So, for now, that entry will be postponed (sorry my little Booby Bear.)….

The song “A Woman’s Worth,” by Alicia Keyes, kept playing over and over in my head.  I found myself humming the tune at work, in my car, and at home.  I had to ask myself, “Self, what are you trying to tell me?”  For those who would find it hard to believe that I talk to myself, I’m sorry to disappoint you.  Yes, I talk to myself often.  It’s the answers I get that I have to question from time to time….I’m straying from my thoughts, so let me get back on track…..My inner voice was telling me to talk about self-worth.  However, I had to disagree with that voice because I have talked about that in a previous blog.  We finally came to an agreement that led me to what this entry is about…..OBSESSION……

Before I go any further, let’s break down the word obsession:

1.       Obsess—to preoccupy the mind excessively.

2.       Obsession—compulsive, often anxious preoccupation with a fixed idea or unwanted emotion.

3.       Obsessive—excessive in nature or degree.  ( Webster’s II New College Dictionary)

There are many types of obsession (like with things, places, clothes…..) but the one that I am talking about is obsession with a particular person in or after a relationship.  See, when two people first meet, they hang out and get to know one another.  If things go well, they soon end up being a couple.  At first everything seems so sweet and innocent.  You know, things like calling to make sure you made it to your destination okay or calling to see what you are doing and to make sure you are okay—wanting to spend every minute with you—surprising you by showing up to your house unannounced with flowers or just showing up because he/she missed you…I can go on and on.  You think it’s cute because he/she just loves and cares about you so much, BUT your friends start seeing the whole picture because you are blinded by rose colored glasses…

When these “sweet” little gestures start turning into every day, every minute, or every hour---ummmm there MIGHT be something deeper going on.  When he/she tells you “I’m only happy when I’m with you.” Or “I feel incomplete without you.” Or “I just love you so much that I need to know where you are at, who you are with, and when you are coming home.”---RUN LIKE THE WIND….This person has problems because NO ONE should be the MAIN source of another person’s happiness.  You shouldn’t want someone who is incomplete without you.  I mean, who really wants an incomplete person? Not She, Me, Her (yes, another reference to Tamar Braxton.)….

Calling you ten times a day and then texting you 50 texts, is NOT NORMAL behavior.  Calling your friends or family members because you FINALLY seen the light (or as I call it, the Flashing Red Lights and Red Flags flying) and you won’t answer your phone, is NOT NORMAL behavior….and do I have to mention again the showing up at your house unannounced???

I know that I’m trying to put a little humor into this, but it’s really not funny.  People like this are OBSESSED, and they can turn out to be very dangerous.  They turn into stalkers.  Showing up where you are or phone stalking you constantly.  They confuse being obsessed for being in love.  But, it’s not LOVE at all.  If you break it off with them, they are extremely jealous of whomever you spend your time with.  Every breath they breathe is YOU.  Every thought in their head, is about YOU.  AND THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL THAT THIS IS CONSIDERED TO BE OKAY BEHAVIOR. 

We hear about it all the time, on the news, where the obsessed person turns around and murders the object of his/her fixation because if he/she can’t have that person, no one else will.  And it’s a sad shame that someone has to lose LIFE because someone else is “damaged.”  

So, this brings me back to the word WORTH.  By definition, it means:

1.       having monetary or material value

2.       to the fullest extent of one's value or ability

3.       the value of something measured by its qualities or by the esteem in which it is held heritage of

4.       moral or personal value (Merriam Webster Dictionary Online).

Relationships with obsessive behavior are a recipe for disaster.  And anyone who stays in these types of relationships or finds that they constantly fall for people that exhibit this type of behavior, to me, haven’t realized their WORTH.  Putting up with tacky behavior and riding on an emotional rollercoaster over and over again, is not my ideal of LOVE or being LOVED.  YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT…..I’m not only talking to the females out there; I’m also talking to the males.  If you know you are a QUEEN and you carry your head up high, your KING will find you.  If you know you are a KING and you carry your head up high, your QUEEN will find you.  Stop settling for the Jokester. Because if you don’t love yourself, how the HELL can you know if someone truly LOVES you?  Like I always say, “don’t fall for the okey doke.”  Make sure it’s REAL.  Make sure it’s TRUE AND GENUINE.  And know your WORTH.

Just Saying,

Niesey 

......But The Kid IS NOT My Son

Maury:  You’re sure that he is the father of your child?

Quest:  Yes, Maury.  Look at his eyes and my baby’s eyes.  They have the same eyes Maury.

Maury:  Why do you think he’s denying being the father?

Quest:  Cause of that *itch he’s with and his crack head momma.  They are going around saying that my baby ain’t his and that I cheated on him.

Maury: So, you are absolutely positive that there’s no one else who could be the father?

Quest:  No, Maury.  I’m ten million percent sure that he’s the father.  Unless it’s Immaculate Conception, there’s no one else.

Alleged Baby Daddy:  Man Maury, I don’t know why she’s saying this is my baby.  He doesn’t even look like me.  Hell, I didn’t even sleep with her back then.  We broke up cause she was cheating.  Just put it like this Maury, “you can’t make no hoe into a house wife.”

Maury:  Okay then. Let’s get to the results. In the question of paternity….Brian…YOU ARE NOT the father…..

Quest:  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…. (As she runs off stage like a track star.)

Proven NOT to be the father:  See, I told ya’ll….she’s a hoe….. (And cut to commercial.)

The majority of us, at one point in time, have witnessed this scene over and over again.  Some of us have shaken our heads in utter disgust.  And some of us actually felt sorry for the mom.  SORRY that she made a complete ass of herself, on national television, in front of millions of people.  SORRY for what she put the alleged baby daddy through (along with his family).  And we feel SORRY for the child caught in the middle of this madness.

I write this blog because, me, as a woman cannot understand how any woman (and I use that term loosely here) can do that to her child.  A child she claims she will never hurt intentionally.  Because taking your kid(s) on national T.V. only to have their hopes of having a dad crushed in ten minutes or less---to me—is intentionally hurting them. What kind of message is she sending to her kid(s)?  What kind of example is she setting?  What will she say? …… “Oh, baby, since momma was sleeping around, I don’t know who your daddy is?”  Really????

And what about the ones who had multiple men tested?  Is there ever a point in their minds where they stop denying the truth?  If they don’t know, then just say so.  Denying the truth only makes these women look foolish, look nasty, and makes them look like complete idiots.

I speak so candidly about this because this happened recently to one of my family members.  From the start, he kept telling us that he did not sleep with his ex around the time she conceived.  And instead of petitioning the court for a DNA test, his ex-tried to slap child support on him.  Mind you, someone else signed the birth certificate, and the child was in that man’s last name.  She only started this mess when the child’s “father” found out he wasn’t the father.  I think the child was around four or five back then when all of this came up.  Fast forward to now, I think he’s around ten and she started this mess again.  But you know what’s so wrong about all of it? She was only concerned with “getting paid.”  Yes, those were her exact words…..Well, sorry boo boo.  My family member WAS NOT THE FATHER—ZERO CHANCE—NADA---NO---WRONG GUY.  To make matters worse, he was the fourth guy she had tested.  Let’s count---One. Two. Three.  FOUR.

My heart goes out to her child because of his momma’s stupidity and lack of judgment.  What will he think of women now?  And I bet she doesn’t even realize the damage she has done to her child.  And that’s a shame within itself.

I understand that I might have offended some with this entry.  Honestly, I can care less.  Maybe, whoever needs to be offended.  Now it’s time to grow the hell up and try to do the right thing for the child’s sake……And in the famous words of Tamar Braxton, I leave you with this….”Get your life cause ain’t nobody got time for that!!!!”

Just Saying,

Niesey

I'M BACK

Before I get started on my first blog entry in a year, I would like to sincerely apologize for my absence.  And if my blog has made a difference in just one person’s life, I am truly sorry for leaving you hanging and wanting more.  There are so many thoughts swimming in my head right now, that I don’t know where to start…..However, I will start by saying this “BABY, I’M BACK!!!!”……

A lot of things have happened since my last entry.  I was at a crossroad in my life.  In front of me were three different paths.  One path was for my state of mind.  The middle path was for my marriage.  And the final path was for my impending unemployment (due to a layoff).  Where each path was leading to, I didn’t want to know.  All I knew was things did not look good at all.  And it—Scared. The. Hell. Out. Of. Me…..

Each day felt like I was fighting a losing battle.  And as each day passed by, a piece of my peace of mind was lost.  So, what did I do you ask??? I did what I do best in situations like that—I SHUT DOWN.  Instead of communicating my fears to my spouse, I shut him out.  We were already shutting down the lines of communication between us. So, I thought “why even bother?”—especially when I had already voiced my concerns to him way before sh*t hit the fan.  And at the time when I lost my job, he proved to me that when I needed him the most, he wasn’t there.  There was no “ride or die.”  There was nothing......Let me paint a mental picture for you:  It’s the last game/final quarter in the championship basketball game.  Five seconds remain on the clock, and all the home team needs to win is two points.  The MVP from last season has the ball.  He makes it up court, and as he is about to do a right hand layup to win the game, he decided to  “show boat” for the fans.  And the clock winds down---5-4-3-2-1…BUZZZZZZZZ…OOPS!!!! HE. DROPPED. THE. FREAKING. BALL….and the crowd goes wild booing and throwing things on the court.  And scene…..Yep, that basically sums up what happened and how I felt.  And what’s so sad in it all, he just went on his merry little way like it was nothing……

So here I am today.  I’m still feeling squirrelly.  My marriage is still going to “hell in a hand basket” or whatever that means (I just like saying it).  On the plus side, I found a job that I truly like (even though the Dragon Lady has come in trying to take over—but that’s a different story).  I have met some crazy squirrels that I have made a kinship with, and for that it’s worth getting up at the butt crack of dawn. 

I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I am not going to run and hide from it.  And even though things are still a little shaky right now, I will not toss in the towel and give up on –ME.  You see, through all of this, Niesey has lost sight of herself.  And I am looking forward to finding her again.  And writing this entry is one little step in the right direction…..Now if only my skin will stop acting like I am 15 and remember that I am 39….I’m too old for breakouts..Sheesh….but I digress….

 Just Saying,

Niesey

It's Been A Long Time Coming--But I Know A Change Is Gonna Come

It’s been a long time

I shouldn’t have left you

Without a dope blog entry to respond to (respond to)…..(fade out)

Okay, so I kind of borrowed that from the intro of Aaliyah’s song “Try Again.”  BUT I had to get your attention somehow…..

I know it’s been awhile since my last blog entry, but let me assure you it is not my last.  LIFE happens, and it gave me a hell of a right hook to the jaw that knocked me smooth off of my feet---TEMPORARILY.

I’m slowly (but surely) regaining my composure and getting back to—ME.

So please be patient with me and continue this journey with me.  I promise that I will not leave you “stranded” for too much longer….

STAY TUNED…..

Just Saying,

Niesey

Ode to Womanhood

This is for all the mothers, aunts, cousins, sisters, sister girlfriends, nieces, and grandmothers out there.  Know that you are appreciated for all your hard work and dedication.  And I wish each one of you a very “HAPPY MOTHERS’ DAY.”  Be blessed, and keep on pushing on!!!

James Brown said it best—“this is a man’s man’s world, but it would be nothing without a woman or a girl.”  True, man has done a lot--created a lot, but who do you think was the back bone? You got it, WOMAN….

This might be a man’s world, but women make the world go round. Women play so many roles in life that we automatically should get a Doctorate’s degree in Lifeology. Yes, I said that.  You see, man can’t handle the things a woman can.  His shoulders are not strong enough to carry the weight of the world like a woman can.  God knew what He was doing when He created woman.  He knew Adam couldn’t handle things on his own.  He needed help.  He needed the love and comfort of a woman…And nothing can beat a woman’s love….

Some might like to think we are the weaker sex.  Really??? To those people, I have two words to say “giving birth.”  If giving birth doesn’t show how strong a woman is, then I don’t know what else will convince the naysayers of how strong women are.  I know a man couldn’t handle the whole “birthing” process.  Heck, they can’t even make it through one push in the delivery room with their wives or girlfriends.  So, weak---I think not!!! Throughout history, we were WARRIORS.  We were QUEENS.  We ruled over nations.  And it’s time we WOMEN recognize the legacy we come from.  

We are not “weak”.  We are not “welcome mats” for others to wipe their feet on.  WE ARE WOMAN!!! HEAR US ROAR!!!

My Queens---My Rocks

And I write this to celebrate our womanhood.  I write this to let YOU know that you are appreciated. I write this cause man better recognize the contributions we have made to this world and will continue to make to it.  I write this in honor of my QUEENS-my Mother and Grandmother. They showed me strength that no super hero possesses.  They showed me that you don’t have to have fancy costumes, special powers, or tricked out toys to be a super hero.  BUT, by being there for their family and by simply being themselves-- they truly are “SUPER WOMEN.”  

Now, can I get a witness??? A MAN, perhaps?

Just Saying,

Niesey

Beware of Angel(s)

I fell for an Angel once.  It turned out to be one of my biggest mistakes I made in my life (thus far).  I met him in Dallas while visiting a friend of a friend's.  I had just ended a two year "relationship" earlier that summer (of '96), and I sure wasn't looking for or wanting a boyfriend.  BUT I guess Fate had a different plan for me.

We seemed to have this kind of connection you only read in romance novels.  We talked all night like we knew each other all our lives.  And before I knew it, BAM--we were in a relationship by the fall of '96.  We ended up moving in together.  What I thought was my fairytale, soon turned into a nightmare.

To make a long story short, for eight months I was terrorized.  It started with mental and emotional abuse.  But it soon turned physical.  I would go to my classes just drained of everything I had in me.  I was trying to hide bruises on my arms where he dug his fingers into my skin.  I became withdrawn from my friends.  Sleep became my sanctuary, because for some strange reason, he did not mess with me when I was sleep.  If I did venture out of the house, he followed me.  So that stopped.  I felt trapped.  I was his prisoner.  I was walking on eggshells in my own house.  The one time I tried to leave, he pushed me so hard into the closet door that it broke.  The message was clear--there was no escape.  How could this person with a heavenly name turn into a devil in disguise????

There were times when I thought I was going to die by his hands.  And there were times that I wished for Death to come for me--to take me away from his hell.  I was desperate to the point where I took some pills just to try to make the pain go away.  Once he saw what I had done, he made me throw them up.  And after I did, he nursed me back to health.  How ironic is that???  I can sit here and tell you everything he did to me, but that's not why I chose to tell this story.  My point in all of this is to reach anyone out there in an abusive relationship.  Trust me, IT DOESN'T GET BETTER.  It only GETS WORSE.  You say he "loves" you, but do you want him to love you to death???

And to all the people saying "just leave," it really isn't that simple.  You see, I was one of the skeptics.  One of the people who said "it would never happen to me," but I got a reality check quick, fast, and in a hurry....The abuse became my shame--my cross to bear.  I didn't come right out and tell my friends because of the shame.  I mean, to my friends, I was a strong woman who knew better.  And to admit I lost control of myself--of what was happening in my house---well, I just couldn't bring myself to say anything.  I felt like I got myself into that mess, and I was the only one who could get myself out of it.  So I tried to put up this facade, but everyone knew what was happening.  They weren't blind, nor where they stupid.

What happened to make me leave?  One night, we got into a real bad fight.  I can't even remember over what.  It got real ugly, and I said to myself "I can't do this anymore."  I don't know what made him stop.  I'm just glad he did.  It was summer break, and I didn't go back home right away.  I had to heal.  I didn't want my family to see my bruises.  And when I did go home, I felt a peace come over me.  I drew from the strength of my family, and when it was time for me to go back, I WAS RENEWED.  I came back in survivor mode.  It was going to be him or me, and I be damned if it was going to be me.  I think he saw this renewed strength I had because he just left on his own.  I RECLAIMED ME and MY HOUSE...I guess he couldn't deal with that (who knows).

Even though this happened almost sixteen years ago, sometimes it feels like it just happened yesterday.  I had nightmares for a long time after that.  And for the longest, I blamed myself.  But I came to finally realize that IT WAS NOT MY FAULT.  Whatever issues he had, were NOT MY FAULT.  I didn't deserve what he did to me, and I wouldn't wish that part of my life on anyone (not even my enemy).  NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED!!!!

I hope this blog reaches out to someone.  I hope that person can draw strength from it.  I hope that person reaches out to friends or family, and get out before it's too late.  It is not your burden to carry alone...So please, if you know someone or if it's happening to you---REACH OUT!!! 

THIS KIND OF "LOVE" CAN DO SO MUCH DAMAGE TO A PERSON'S MIND.  The body heals, but the emotional and mental scars take a little bit more time to go away....

ABUSE CAN KILL...Please---don't end up being a statistic.

Just Saying,
Niesey